FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
Only once you've counted
then see below - Be Honest
HOW MANY ?
6 -- no joke.
IT AGAIN !
The brain cannot process "OF".
Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first
go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
After the christening of his baby brother in
church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the
car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the
boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian
home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
A woman brought a very limp
duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out
his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook
his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your
pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck
from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later
with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed
the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried."$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it
all adds up." drive.
-Download the videos on HOW TO PARK > 1 - 2 - 3
King Oswald had called all the young men of the Kingdom to the walls
of his golden castle. Surrounding the castle was a wide moat of deep
water filled with many large crocodiles.
It had worked as a great security measure and helped make invading armies
think twice before felling its stone walls.
But this day he had a special announcement to make , he was getting old
and only had one daughter so who ever married the princess would one
day be her escort and aid in running the large kingdom.
The king nodded his head to his master of ceremonies to make the important
“ Young men of the kingdom, today our great majesty has decided
that he wants to see the great Princess Caroline married to a commoner
Not only does she have beauty and intelligence but is much loved by the
people for her concern and services in many charities and welfare projects
in the kingdom.
Who ever marries her will find a lady of grace and calm to match no other
However the king is troubled by neighboring armies and insists on a husband
for her who can display extraordinary bravery and sacrifice in securing
her hand for a life of wealth and honored responsibilities.
Whoever should consider the fair princess a prize of their dreams may
win her hand in marriage by being the first to swim across the crocodile
infested moat to ask for her and the kings permission.
At first the crowd was joyous in its applause at the kind offer of such
a treasure to mere commoners such as themselves .
And then as they looked around thinking their would be a deluge of young
men diving into the water. They realized the crocodiles also seemed to
sense the meaning of the occasion and came to the waters edge in a competitive
anticipation of a sumptuous feast.
The men in the crowd looked left and right as some removed their shoes
to be able to swim faster but as soon as each man stood on the high banks
overlooking the moat, the menacing crocs would make them retreat with
For many silent minutes the King and princess looked on disappointed
at their men so lacking in courage.
When suddenly with a big splash a well built farmer by the name of Giles
madly landed in the water. But no sooner had he entered the dark water,
a 15 foot crocodile grabbed him by the leg and started giving him the
death roll. But farmer Giles was a strong man after so many years of
tending his plough .
He ripped the crocs jaws open and kicked it in the belly so hard it took
off to avoid further punishment.
Farmer Giles frantically swept forward each stroke bringing him closer
to the other bank . But alas two more crocs hungry for a snack grabbed
him at the same time . For minutes the poor farmer seemed to not be able
to fend them off and three times he disappeared under the the surface
with all the crowd watching in baited breath as the green dank water
became colorized with his blood.
But suddenly he rushed up for air and freedom having somehow dazed his
opponents and in just a few more seconds ran up the banks to safety at
the feet of the castle.
The crowd yelled in excitement and the king and princess immediately
sent the porters to bring him on their shoulders to their presence.
The princess was blushing with excitement as Farmer Giles though strong
and bold seemed to also bear the countenance of a handsome and cultured
In silence the king and princess composed themselves while the wild applause
from the crowd below and the staff in the castle expressed their mirth
at his bravery .
Finally as a pause in the jubilation occurred the king asked to whom
he may be speaking and Farmer Giles humbly gave his name.
Then the King said while winking at his daughter “And young man
is there a question you would like to ask me.?”
“ Yes your majesty there is” said Farmer Giles.
“ Did you see which idiot pushed me in ?”
Dad I’m eighteen and I need a car ?
I would be delighted to get you one , but could I ask a favor?
Sure thing Dad what is it?
Before I give you the car could you get your hair cut?
But Dad Jesus had long hair .
Yes that’s true , and he walked everywhere he went.
Even the dawgs are all related down there
A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out
making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there
was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to
borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station
for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas
can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait
he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to
wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for
something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan
she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to
the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched
her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said: "I
know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts,
I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."
Thanks to KAI Christensen for sending this in.
"For Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)":
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat
9. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
10. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
11. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
12. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
13. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
14. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
15. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large
number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana,
was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist,
living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire
up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.
Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... and since it was
Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious
aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for
the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert
After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass... and
as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were
born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."
Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived,
and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed
into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him,
he stopped in amazement and watched. There stood Boudreaux, clutching
a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling
meat, and chanted:
"You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you're
telling it like it is
.... Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they
aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to
the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know
me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been
a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since
he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice
is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on
his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes,
I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked
both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you
to the electric chair."
Clyde and the Car Accident
An old farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde . "Didn't you say at the
scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded,
"Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule,
Bessie, into the......" "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted.
"Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
"I'm fine!'?" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer
and was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and
said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of
the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that
he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying
to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply
answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested
in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he
has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the Judge
and proceeded, "Well... as I was sayin', I had just loaded Bessie, my
favorite mule, into the trailer and was drivin' her down the highway
when this huge semi ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in
the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the
other. I was hurtin' real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could
hear ole Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible shape
just by her groans. Real soon a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin', too. So, he went over to
her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between
the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked
at me, and said, 'How are YOU feeling?' Now what the heck would you
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get
photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too
thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home
office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured
by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough,
a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with
his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot
swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer,
"and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and
photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great
exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the
God is Missing
The harbormaster was having troubles with his two young boys, so he
decided to send them to Rev. Hawkins for some help.
The next morning Billy, aged 8, was sent. Upon arriving, the Rev. sat
him down and sternly asked, "Where is god ?"
Billy sat there speechless, so the Rev asked louder, "Where is
Again no answer came from Billy, so the Rev. shook his finger in Billy's
face and screamed, "WHERE IS GOD ?"
Billy screamed and bolted from the room, ran right home and dove into
his closet, shutting the door behind him.
His older brother Joe watched this, slowly opened the door and asked,
"What happened to you ?"
Billy yelled, "We're in big trouble this time, dude. God is missing
they think WE did it. "
Childrens Answers on how to decide who to marry
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8
( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is.....
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
Kids Talk about God
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all
the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times
was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us
brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old
son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a
seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment
and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's
Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the
lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened
with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of
the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting
together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally,
his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in
church." "Why? Who's
going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to
the back of the church and
said, "See those two men standing by the door?
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way
to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One
bright little girl replied, "Because a lot of people are sleeping."
3-year-old, Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is
His name. Amen."
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a
better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their
mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He
would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin
turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to
their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say,
" the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
God Will Take Care of Me
There was a very religious man named Jim, who lived near a river. One
day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was
forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a
boat came along and told Jim to get in the boat with him.
Jim said, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."
So, the man in the boat drove off.
The water rose higher, so Jim climbed onto his roof. At that time,
another boat came along, and the person in that one told Jim to get
Jim replied, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."
The person in the boat then left.
The water rose even more, and Jim climbed onto his chimney. A helicopter
came along and lowered a ladder for him. The woman in the helicopter
told Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.
Jim said, "That's okay."
The woman said, "Are you sure?"
Jim replied, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me."
Finally, the water rose too high and Jim drowned. Jim got to heaven
and was face-to-face with God.
Jim said to God, "You told me that you would take care of me!
God replied, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter.?"
A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and s tretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs."
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story... Have a great day!