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More Sattvic Jokes

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
2. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
3. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
4. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
5. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
6. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
7. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

 

Church Humor

A Sunday school teacher asked the children, just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping.

A missionary preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some tiger hunting. As he rounded a corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a tiger collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was that the ferocious tiger was charging at him from a distance and he could not move, "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I am sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish... please make a Christian out of that tiger that is coming at me. Please Lord." That very instant, the tiger skidded to a stop, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud at the preachers feet: "Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive...."

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning son." "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, focused on the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well son, these are all the people who have died in service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

 

 

Taken from the Wall Street Journal... 

Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin' yet". 

1.  Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the 
"Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3.  Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes.  A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
with photocopies of the floppies.
4. A Dell technician advised his  customer to put his troubled floppy  back in the drive and close the door. The  customer asked the tech
to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and  crossing the room to close the door to his room.
5. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything.   After 40 minutes of  trouble-shooting, the  technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of  paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
6. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his  tub with soap and
water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys  and washing them individually.
7. A  Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid."   The  tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
8. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the  computer had said it "couldn't find printer."  The user had also tried  turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the 
printer".
9. An exasperated caller to  Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on.   After ensuring the computer
was plugged in, the technician  asked her what happened when  she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens."   The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse.
10. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her  brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the
unit, plugged it in and sat there for minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"
11.  Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support.  "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to 
put in the second  disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to  put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
12. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.
13. True story from a Novell NetWire Sysop

Caller  "Hello, is the Tech Support?"
Tech "Yes, it is.  How may I help you?"

Caller "The cup holder on my  PC is broken and I am with-in my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech  "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller  "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech  "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I  am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show?  How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller  "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it.   He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.


The two dollar bill saga  

I thought this was funny-
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday cash I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $5 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about
people getting upset at me.

ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go.''
IT: "Is that it?''
ME: "Yep.''
IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?''
ME: "No, it's to go.'' [I hate effort duplication.]
At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and
IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.''

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them.

IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?''
MG: "No. A what?''
IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.''
MG: "Ask for something else, there's no such thing as a $2 bill.''
IT: "Yeah, thought so.''
He comes back to me and says
IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?''
ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills?
Why?''
IT: "I don't know.''
ME: "See here where it says legal tender?''
IT: "Yeah.''
ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?''
IT: "Well, hang on a sec.''

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and

IT: "He says I have to take it.''
MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?''
IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.''
MG: "I'm not opening the safe with him inhere.''

IT: "What should I do?''
MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has
real money.''
IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him.''
MG: "Just tell him.''
IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in
back.''

The manager approaches me and says

MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of
night.'' [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell
is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.]
ME: "Well, here's a two.''
MG: "We don't take those either.''
ME: "Why not?''
MG: "I think you know why.''
ME: "No really, tell me, why?''
MG: "Please leave before I call mall
security.''

 

 

ME: "Excuse me?''
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security.''
ME: "What for?''
MG: "Please, sir.''
ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them.''
MG: "Would you please just leave?''
ME: "No.''
MG: "Fine, have it your way then.''
ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?''

At this point he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at
the other end of counter, in a whisper]

SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?''
MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause]
funny money.''
SG: "Really? What?''
MG: "Get this, a two dollar bill.''
SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?'' [incredulous]
MG: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the
only other thing he has is a fifty.''
SG: "So, the fifty's fake?''
MG: "No, the $2 is.''
SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?''
MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get
him out of here?''
SG: "Yeah...''

Security guard walks over to me and says

SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.''
ME: "Uh, no.''
SG: "Lemme see 'em.''
ME: "Why?''
SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?''

At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE,''
but I wanted to eat, so I said

ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for
it with this $2 bill.''

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches
like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns
it over a few times in his hands, and says

SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?''
MG: "It's fake.''
SG: "It doesn't look fake to me.''
MG: "But it's a $2 bill.''
SG: "Yeah?''
MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?''

The security guard and I both looked at him like
he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he
had no clue. My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least I'd get free food.



Oxymorons

Act naturally
Found Missing
Resident Alien
Advanced Basic
Genuine imitation
Airline food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
British fashion

Living dead
Small crowd
Business ehtics
Soft rock
Military intelligence
Congressional Ethics
Software documentation
California culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
"Now, then..."
 Synthetic natural gas
Passive agression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Toronto Life
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Jumbo shrimp
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Working vacation
Exact estimate

Thanks Mark Whitley of Encinitas

 

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