More Sattvic Jokes
1. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
2. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
3. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
4. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
5. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
6. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
7. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A Sunday school teacher asked the children, just
before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is
it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping.
A missionary preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills
to do some tiger hunting. As he rounded a corner on a perilous twist in the trail,
he and a tiger collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside.
Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a
rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was that the
ferocious tiger was charging at him from a distance and he could not move, "Oh,
Lord," the preacher prayed, "I am sorry for skipping services today to come out
here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish... please make a
Christian out of that tiger that is coming at me. Please Lord." That very instant,
the tiger skidded to a stop, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and
began to pray aloud at the preachers feet: "Dear God, bless this food I am about
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large
plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring
at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and
said quietly, "Good morning son." "Good morning pastor," replied the young man,
focused on the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well son, these are
all the people who have died in service,"
replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together, staring at the
large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when
he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan 3. The boys
began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity
for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother
have the first pancake. I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and
said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically challenged,
you "ain't seen nuthin' yet".
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
"Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the
"Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to
control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag
the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A
few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
with photocopies of the floppies.
4. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked
to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing
the room to close the door to his room.
5. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After
40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man
was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor
screen and hitting the "send" key.
6. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked.
He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and
washing them individually.
7. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because
his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The
tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and
"invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
8. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the
technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The
user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but
that his computer still couldn't "see" the
9. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her
new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer
was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed
the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse.
10. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer
wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the
unit, plugged it in and sat there for minutes waiting for something to happen.
When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What
11. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for
support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to
put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it
said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...."
The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove
Disk 1 first.
12. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for
installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover
and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the
disk and wondered why there were problems.
13. True story from a Novell NetWire Sysop
Caller "Hello, is the Tech Support?"
Tech "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller "The cup holder on my PC is broken
and I am with-in my warranty period. How do I go about getting
Tech "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup
Caller "Yes, it's attached to the front
of my computer."
Tech "Please excuse me. If I seem a
bit stumped, it's because I
am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How
did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller "It came with my computer. I don't
know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand
it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load
drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.
I thought this was funny-
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra
holiday cash I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick
bite to eat. In my billfold is a $5 bill and a $2 bill.
That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that
with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have
to worry about
people getting upset at me.
ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go.''
IT: "Is that it?''
IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?''
ME: "No, it's to go.'' [I hate effort duplication.]
At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill.
He looks at it kind of funny and
IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.''
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot.
The following conversation occurs between the two of them.
IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?''
MG: "No. A what?''
IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.''
MG: "Ask for something else, there's no such thing as a
IT: "Yeah, thought so.''
He comes back to me and says
IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?''
ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills?
IT: "I don't know.''
ME: "See here where it says legal tender?''
ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?''
IT: "Well, hang on a sec.''
He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm
going to shoplift, and
IT: "He says I have to take it.''
MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?''
IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe
and get change.''
MG: "I'm not opening the safe with him inhere.''
IT: "What should I do?''
MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has
IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him.''
MG: "Just tell him.''
IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in
The manager approaches me and says
MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of
night.'' [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell
is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.]
ME: "Well, here's a two.''
MG: "We don't take those either.''
ME: "Why not?''
MG: "I think you know why.''
ME: "No really, tell me, why?''
MG: "Please leave before I call mall
ME: "Excuse me?''
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security.''
ME: "What for?''
MG: "Please, sir.''
ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them.''
MG: "Would you please just leave?''
MG: "Fine, have it your way then.''
ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?''
At this point he backs away from me and calls mall security
on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring
at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud,
just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish
guy comes in and says [at
the other end of counter, in a whisper]
SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?''
MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause]
SG: "Really? What?''
MG: "Get this, a two dollar bill.''
SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?'' [incredulous]
MG: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the
only other thing he has is a fifty.''
SG: "So, the fifty's fake?''
MG: "No, the $2 is.''
SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?''
MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get
him out of here?''
Security guard walks over to me and says
SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're
trying to use.''
ME: "Uh, no.''
SG: "Lemme see 'em.''
SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?''
At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE,''
but I wanted to eat, so I said
ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for
it with this $2 bill.''
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches
like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns
it over a few times in his hands, and says
SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?''
MG: "It's fake.''
SG: "It doesn't look fake to me.''
MG: "But it's a $2 bill.''
MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?''
The security guard and I both looked at him like
he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he
had no clue. My burrito was free and he threw in a small
drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to
get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens
when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people,
I could probably end up in jail. At least I'd get free
| Living dead
Synthetic natural gas
| Toronto Life
Temporary tax increase
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Thanks Mark Whitley of Encinitas
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